Allow me to contradict myself by saying that I’m not in my merriest state right now. Tonight, I am a wreck, if you must.
Over the years, L and I have developed this habit of telling each other almost everything. Almost. I know that there were screened parts or even things that he didn’t want to share. But for quite some time, we had been each others’ gatekeepers.
Something happened along the way. Things changed. And, yes, the truth is very difficult to handle lately.
Today, he shared a DETAILED story of his recent “escapade.” Few years back, I often manage to shrug those details off. But today is a different story. As I finished reading his messages, I feel an emotion of sort inside me. The tug in my heart, the punches in my stomach, the nearing vomit, and the compounding weight inside.
The funny thing is, he wanted to hear my take on what happened. I told him that I couldn’t say anything. He told me that he didn’t want it and that it was one of the worst experiences he had. I wanted to ask him, “Then why did it happen?” But I no longer had the energy to do that. The strings of emotions already consumed the rest of me- logic, feelings and spirit.
The details were the worst. It left me dumbfounded. It’s 10:23 pm and I couldn’t feel anything inside me but lingering pain, anger and frustration. How do I end this? With a deep breath and a sigh, I suppose.